Title: 5 Times Kirk Didn't Spit It Out and One Time He Did
Author: briecheesie
Fandom: Star Trek XI
Pairing: Kirk/McCoy
Rating: PG
Summary: Response to xi kink meme prompt: The five times Jim Kirk Said I love you without actually saying the words, and the one time he actually said it.
Disclaimer: Characters are not mine and never will be.




I.

The first assassination attempt on Kirk occurs three years into the mission and takes Sulu as a victim. Kirk is dining with the leader of a war-torn planet the Federation hopes to bring diplomacy to, when a flash of metal catches his eye and before he can react, Sulu is pushing him out of the way and taking the brunt of the sword. There's a faint smile on Sulu's lips when he sees that the Captain is all right, before he doubles over from the pain and starts vomiting blood. The assassin has little time to correct his error before Spock is holding a phaser to his head and Kirk can see that though Spock's face is impassive as ever, it's only his logic that is keeping him from pulling the trigger.

Hours later, Chekov is watching over the helmsman worriedly and Bones is in the process of checking his vitals when Kirk bursts into medical bay. Bones shoots Kirk a look of disapproval, but Kirk waves him off, making his way to Sulu's bed. He breathes a sigh of relief when he sees that the man is awake.

"Hey.." Sulu croaks, trying to sit up weakly. Chekov makes an irritated clucking noise with his tongue and pushes Sulu back down, muttering something in Russian. Kirk pretends he doesn't see their connected hands. "You're alive."

"I wasn't about to let you become a kabob for nothing," Kirk says lightly, and even though Bones snorts derisively in the background, he can tell Sulu enjoyed the joke. There are many things he wants to tell Sulu that raced through his mind when Sulu was being carried away on a stretcher. He wants to tell Sulu that when he thinks of losing the man, he doesn't think of all the work he'll have to put into finding a pilot half-as good - he thinks of losing a friend, a good one, and he knows that's a weird relationship for a captain to have with his helmsman, but none of Kirk's relationships with his crew are normal anyway. He wants to tell Sulu that, even if Sulu was only thinking about the Enterprise, Kirk doesn't think he knows many people who'd risk their lives for him like that. He wants to tell Sulu that he's the best pilot he's ever met.

Instead he says, "Thank you," as meaningfully as possible and hopes Sulu understands.


L.

Spock isn't alone. Spock will never be alone. He has his father, his future self, Uhura, and he has Kirk. However, none of that lessens the number of times Kirk has walked into Spock's room without knocking and found him replaying the video of Vulcan's destruction. There's no expression on Spock's face, though his head his tilted in a way that Kirk knows means he's feeling lost. Kirk wishes there was something he could do to help, to make Spock feel better and try to get it past those pointy ears that he's not alone. That he's loved. But Kirk isn't Spock's father, his future self, or Uhura. He's just Kirk and all he can do is sit in the chair across the room quietly and hope that's enough.


O.

Uhura is a firecracker, that was something Kirk learned long ago. She's a force to be reckoned with: beautiful, ferocious and quick on her feet. So it doesn't surprise Kirk that the Andorian that grabbed her ass earlier in the evening is now cowering in a corner, close to crying. Kirk's a little tipsy himself and can't help laughing at the entire scene. It's awesome and it's Uhura and he gives her a high five instead of telling her how glad he is that she's on his side.


V.

When Admiral Pike takes his first step, Kirk thinks something inside his brain broke because he feels more moved than he has in his entire life. This man who inspires him, who was told he was going to be crippled for the rest of his life, is proving once and for all that there is no such thing as a no-win situation. Pike stumbles and Kirk is right there to help him back up, to right him so that he can continue his cautious trek across the room. And when Pike finally makes it, Kirk claps as loudly as he can, blowing on his fingers to whistle.

"See?" Pike grunts in pain as he settles himself onto his bed. "Nothing's impossible, kid."

"Yeah," Kirk laughs, just so fucking relieved. "Not for you, at least."

"Oh yeah?" Grinning, Pike carefully brings his legs up onto the mattress and lays back. "Not for you either."

Kirk frowns at the cryptic wording. He's not really someone who brags.....excessively, about himself, but he's pretty aware that there's nothing he can't do. He's not sure what Pike's getting at.

"McCoy's a fine doctor, isn't he?"

"Yes, sir," Kirk replies, feeling confusion build up. That was a very rando-

"Your attraction to him's probably the worst kept secret since Spock and Lieutenant Uhura."

Kirk's mouth drops open and he can only splutter. His first instinct is to deny it, but Pike is looking at him so knowingly that Kirk finds that reaction pretty pointless. So he tries a different route.

"Wait a minute, you barely see us together-"

"And I'm still aware of it, kid. You follow after him like a puppy."

Trying to ignore the way he's sure his face is heating up, Kirk stands, brushing imaginary dirt off his uniform. "Admiral, I need to get back to my ship," he mutters awkwardly.

It's a weak excuse and he knows Pike sees right through it. Still, Pike only nods.

"Thanks for keeping up the visits," he says softly, arms pillowed behind his head. "I need someone to live through vicariously."

Smiling sadly, Kirk picks up the satchel of medicine he was ordered by Bones to deliver.

"Yeah, well, one day you'll be back in space. Nothing's impossible, right?" He turns to glance back at the admiral, which he quickly realizes was a bad idea. Pike is staring at him pointedly, with a raised eyebrow.

"What?" Kirk sighs, running his fingers through his hair. "What do you want me to say? 'Hey, I kind of really want to jump your bones'? Aren't there...rules and regulations against that anyway?"

Pike smirks, amused. "Since when has that stopped you?"

Kirk stares at Pike for a long moment, before letting out a snort of laughter. "You drive a hard bargain, Admiral."

"I'm just looking out for you," Pike responds with a grin, voice sincere. "I want what's best for you, kid."

It's a strangely paternal thing to say and there's a moment where Kirk freezes at the thought, because he doesn't think he's ever had a male figure in his life that he's respected enough to even make the comparison before. He doesn't know what having a father is like, but he allows himself to think that these visits might be close.

Nodding to himself, Kirk moves back to his seat and pretends he doesn't see the pleasant surprise lining Pike's features when he does. The rest of the visit is spent talking about the last few times Kirk's nearly gotten the crew killed and how lately he's been trying to beat his own record for running the mile. When he finally does decide to leave, Pike tells him to take care and Kirk returns with "I'll be back soon" because he doesn't know how else to say how much their time together means to him.


E.

His mother is getting married today. He can't be there, he can't walk her down the aisle like he wants to. He's on the opposite end of the fucking universe to her right now. But he watches her smile on the other side of their video chat and thinks how beautiful she looks made up in her wedding dress. He asks about her future husband, what he likes, if he has any kids. He doesn't really listen to her answers, he just likes hearing her voice. She sounds happy, but it does nothing to ease his concern. His aunt appears on screen, waves hello and tells him that she's sorry, but they really need his mother now. His mother smiles, tears in her eyes, and kisses him through the screen, telling him how much she loves him and cursing because her makeup is running. All he says in response is, "What? You're crazy, mom. You look beautiful." But when her screen goes black, he closes his eyes and prays that she doesn't have to walk out of this marriage with broken ribs and black eyes.


U.

Bones laughing is something that Kirk finds just as beautiful as he does unnerving. It's a real, honest laugh, not done out of exhaustion, stress or frustration. Kirk imagines happy bubbles overflowing past Bones' lips. The doctor is talking to his daughter over video chat and even though Bones and his girl are across the room, Kirk can make out the words, "slug", "mommy", and "screamed" quite frequently.

"Girl after my own heart," Kirk chuckles, propping his feet up on Bones' coffee table. An irritated throat clears and he sighs, dropping his legs back to the floor.

"Uncle Jim," Bones says mildly, though Kirk can hear the annoyance in the tone. "Yes, miss, he's here." A heavy sigh and then Bones says louder, "Hey, Jim. She wants to talk to you."

Jumping out of his seat, Kirk practically runs to Bones' side. Talking to Joanna has become one of his favorite pastimes of late. When he reaches the screen, he's taken aback as usual by how much she's grown and how she's the spitting image of her father, and he thinks back ironically to all the times he rolled his eyes when his aunts and uncles told him the same thing when he was young. But Kirk thinks it's a lot truer when it comes to Joanna and he loves talking to her and seeing her smile, because it's like seeing Bones smile. And even though those moments have increased since Jocelyn started letting Joanna call her father more, they're still few and far between.

Hours later, when Jocelyn yells in the background for Joanna to go to bed, the girl makes a face that clearly says "Damn it, mom," and Kirk tries very hard not to burst into laughter as the girl turns to say goodnight.

"Night, daddy! Love you!" she beams, putting her hand to the screen. Bones reaches his hand and puts it on top of hers and out of the corner of his eye, Kirk can see the soft smile he's giving. It makes Kirk's stomach twist.

"Night, darlin'. Love you, too."

Joanna's second hand comes up to the screen and she looks at Kirk pointedly. Glancing at Bones, all he receives in response is a raised eyebrow, so he shrugs and grins and puts his hand against Joanna's as well.

"Night, Uncle Jim. Love you," she says sincerely. Her cheeks are flushed and her eyes are sparkling and she really is made of sugar and spice and everything nice. So he's only slightly surprised when the words, "Love you, too, babe" spill from his lips unbidden. The smile he receives in return is worth it and she signs off with an exaggerated salute that leaves Kirk feeling strangely paternal.

Their hands are still on the screen when it goes black and Kirk wonders why neither of them have pulled back yet. He looks at Bones and sees that the doctor is thinking.

"You should..." Bones says finally, keeping his gaze on the empty screen. "Stay. For the night."

Kirk opens his mouth to argue that he always stays for most of the night, when Bones adds, "The whole night."

Frowning, Kirk looks at their supply of liquor. "Uh, Bones, I don't think we have enough for-" The realization of Bones' intent hits him. "Oh," he mumbles, trying to ignore the way his stomach is twisting again, because he's Jim fucking Kirk and those are not butterflies.

"Yeah," Bones breathes, finally pulling his hand from the screen. "But it might be a stupid-"

Before Bones' last finger can leave the screen, Kirk moves his hand across to capture it. He keeps his gaze on the ceiling and says, "No. It's, uh. It's a good idea. A really good idea."

~ fin.